I had an assumption initially, coming to my research on Safe Spaces for queer people, that "queer space and community" is an essential part of exploring one’s identity. And that assumption was slowly beginning to be questioned as I delved deeper into my field research, talking to many queer folks, especially online. Theo was such a person, whom I had met on a subreddit named r/LGBTNepal. He reached out to me when I had put out a post asking for queer folks to connect and befriend me regarding my research. Theo was quite eager to talk to me. He was friendly, and quickly we built trust by sharing about our passions. He also told me about meeting people online. Most of his queer connections he has met this way, though he also confessed in a somber tone, that these online bonds can be fickle too, “the easier it comes, it can go just as easily”. I got interested in knowing more about him, when his unique social status started to disrupt my prior assumptions of a typical queer social life and space.

Of course 'Theo' was just his alias online. He seemed to be a very private individual in some aspects. He preferred not to reveal much about his personal identity or life, in so far as to not even have a real social media ID while he talks and interacts as his queer self online. When I asked if he'd prefer to connect on other socials than reddit he said, “Will fake account work? I will create a dummy one, let’s not share real ID okay? Sorry just trying to be little safe side, I hope you didn’t mind.” He seemed to be very cautious about revealing his real identity, or more precisely, about his offline self being tied to, or traced back to his online self, where he more openly discusses his queerness.

Theo identifies as an asexual man, and this identity he exclusively only carries online. In his real life no one knows. He told me he likes to talk to other queer people online, and all of his queer friends have been online which he found through reddit.

"I feel it's very easy to open up for me online. If this was real life, it would've been very difficult to share even these very things," he said.

From our conversations it also seemed he isn't that deeply ingrained in the queer community like others I have met. Theo seemed more interested in talking specifically about his interests and identity that he cannot do so freely and openly offline. When asked to describe about his identity, he said, “I haven’t given a lot of thought to it but it simply means who I am. It is very hard to be in some label, and I think that label is the best fit into me. It is the real me.” I thought then how he must be new to the community, or someone in the early stages of his journey into exploring his queer identity.

When I asked him how he learned about queer existence, he told me it was when he learned about the LGBT community through reddit, and he felt less alone because of it. "I felt good knowing I am not the only one. I talked with some reddit users, it was good, we shared our experiences," he said. Theo was always concerned about revealing his identity offline though. He told me he was afraid because of fear of judgement. He still expresses this disconnect with a fair bit of longing, for a hopeful future and a potential partner who will completely understand him and support him in his queerness. I got intrigued and curious about his desires of finding potential space where he could be himself in the future, and I questioned about the future he sees.

I asked, "Did you ever think of telling anyone ever?"

He replied, "Let's see… maybe a future partner. I hope to find someone supportive. If they were non-judgmental kind of person then it would be easy to come out."

I asked further, "And what kind of partner do you wish for?"

"Supportive, understanding, caring loving. Things like that i guess. Someone happy to help me in fashion too," he replied.

"Do you think if they were queer it would help too?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes queer and non queer. They should be someone who understand this."

"I have another strange habit, this must be top secret alright? I had shared with few people in reddit too. Have you heard of crossdressing. I used to do that," he told me. He talked to me about this hobby of his at length. It was a core part of him. He would do this in his free time mostly, but wouldn’t talk about it to most people. To Theo, crossdressing was also another aspect he wanted his partner to accept, he wanted someone to understand his asexuality and crossdressing as a hobby. He tells me how being straight he has a hard time meeting girls who would be accepting of this, and he would be often hopeless about finding a partner like he dreams of. But I assured him saying that that's not far fetched, and I know many people who would be okay with something like that. This chasm between his longing for a desired future and his current situation seemed ever widening to me, and I also tried to comfort him for it.

Theo studies Bachelors in Engineering, and goes to college in the morning, and he tells me he spends his free time mostly trying out dresses or talking to people online. He likes looking at outfit ideas on social media when he's not doing either, and dreams of trying them out, of those which he sees in his Pinterest and Instagram. Though it isn't easy to just try and crossdress, even in his own home, because he cannot let anyone else in his family know about it. He said to me, "I want to try and explore everything. Maybe some day, I can only think and wish for now. I have a long list. But actually I have tried a few as well.”

He also told me how rarely he gets the "chance". "Sometimes I plan for it the whole day, the hobby of mine, when I find out I am free some week. Once in a while, occasionally I get the chance to do it," he tells me. This chance of his is very rare, "Sometimes only once a month. Otherwise a few times a month." Because he has to make sure he's completely home alone, while his mother, grandmother and his sibling sisters have gone out. Even though he dreams a lot more than just cautiously tip toeing around his house trying on his elder sisters dresses, he cannot yet fulfill those dreams. The risk is too high, he says, "Maybe someday I might even be able to take pictures but for now I do not want to take any risk. I have a long list to try, and will plan for a future photo session." I felt sad learning how meticulously he has to plan this, in fear of getting caught, and how much care he has to put into hiding. I felt myself wishing alongside him when he told me his dreams of an unrestricted life.

Right then, I also told him about a recent drag show, which this conversation reminded me of. It was conducted by some queer organization, and I said maybe he could join those kinds of events where he would meet new people who are likeminded.

But he replied, "That sounds fun. But at present I think I should do dress-up in my private space. I am not sure enough, plus confident enough to share to everyone." He never goes much out of line, or even close to the line because he wants to be detached from vulnerable community and far away from being caught.

"It is so risky, even though it is really fun. One time I almost got caught," he told me. I could see where he’s coming from, the things he most wants are just out of reach for him, for now. But also going out, and actively seeking out community like most queer people do isn’t safe enough for him personally, which made me want to push him just a bit into accessing the safety many queer youths do, though with much risk and effort still.

So, I again tried to mention how he might find a safer space in queer community and spaces, and asked him, "Have you been to queer events?" He just told me how he's too shy to go, and he actually wishes he could attend some while fully dressed up. But Theo is also deeply scared about the very things he loves to do. "What if others see. How will they judge. how will i explain to them,” he told me, concerned. And I told him then in a consoling manner, “I get that feeling, it’s their judgement but still we feel bad. We can’t change their judgement but only comfort our own minds because it’s not our fault it’s only them.” I had a contested feeling in fully grasping and understanding Theo’s situation, maybe quite like Theo himself. At one hand, he dreams of futures where he’s exploring freely, but at the same time, he doesn’t want any immediate engagement in spaces where he could do so, not yet. The question arising in me was, is this simply a choice of his own, or is there something deeper, a structural thing that we’re not underlining?

I then asked him, "What do you wish you had that would allow you to explore freely?”

He replied, "Firstly we don't have resources, secondly, no company, and the third thing is free space without judgment, not available."

I then said, “Where do you think you can find free non-judgmental spaces?”

He just said in defeat, “Don't really know... if you find it please let me know please hahaha I will straight up be present there”

I also added, “Maybe those queer circles and spaces but they are also not easy to find.”

He added, “Yes it is very hard. It is near impossible here in Nepal.”

I was quite surprised though he isn’t quite familiar with online queer space either, even though he spends such a large amounts of his free time online. He did not know Hedwig, who’s a pretty well known queer creator, or about queer accounts that post events and info about community in social media. So, for him, being with oneself suited much more, even though he forever dreamed of safe spaces and freely exploring. He would still dream of carrying out his hobbies and identity after being independent, living on his own or going abroad where people don't really care.

To me what Theo’s story highlighted was that there is a more complex lived experience, about being closeted and still being queer. When you don't have the privilege of visibility, and as a consequence don't have the resources to choose participation in your community, where you can find belonging. Your small efforts in relishing personal private time, and detached online connections still count as a kind of queer experience that is often overlooked.

He would state matter of factly, "I love my own company" when asked about his inclination towards being with oneself and in one's own personal space. But to me, it raises more questions about the nature of safe spaces and open communities as well. Is their nature also too inaccessible or inconsiderate of someone like Theo, who’s not too privy to the ways of joining them?

Maybe that irreconcilable status of Theo captures much of the nuance of being a closeted and a budding queer person. While for others it could've easily been the case with a difficulty of access to safe spaces, but for Theo it seemed like it wasn't as simple — neither the simple choice that he claims nor entirely structural barriers.